Gilderoy's Happy February 14th
by vitloroi
Summary: I've always been curious about Gilderoy Lockhart- what was he like as a student? Was he foiled as often as a teenager as he was as an adult? A look into a looked-over man's dementia- er, mind. contains light boyxboy


Gilderoy Lockhart flounced out of bed and dramatically threw aside the curtains, letting the sunshine in. Breathing deeply, he sighed and flashed a grin at the sun, telling himself his smile was _at least_ as bright as the sun!

Behind him, his Hufflepuff dorm mates all groaned and pulled their covers over their heads.

"Goldilocks! Shut the bleedin' curtains! It's Saturday!" one boy yelled.

"Nonsense!" Gilderoy returned. "It is not Saturday! It is VALENTINES DAY! I am simply in rapture at the thought of all the love in the air."

And today would be the day, he told himself, he would finally get what he wanted most in the world.

A kiss!

But not just any kiss!

A kiss from the smoothest, darkest, handsomest, smartiest, most awesomest Slytherin at Hogwarts!

Gilderoy swooned at the thought of those thin lips and those black eyes you could just fall into.

"Today is the day!" he declared.

Gilderoy ran to the restroom to begin his 2 hour beauty care regiment. He must look absolutely gorgeous today. He would leave nothing to chance.

He showered, singing loudly (and off key),

"Oh Severus Snape, you sexy, silky, man!

Today you will be mine!

And when you see my teeth gleam and shine

Nothing will keep you from me!"

A poor first year who had only wanted to brush his teeth promptly vomited upon hearing this song.

Gilderoy never noticed.

_Meanwhile, in the Slytherin dorms_

"I hate today."

Severus Snape had woken up, rolled out of bed (and gotten tangled in his sheets, resulting in him landing rather hard on the floor) and growled his way through a shower (swift), getting dressed (black robes, black socks, black undies) and stomped his way to breakfast.

Upon entering the Great Hall, however, he was instantly mauled by a pack of floating Valentines. Snarling and growling, he took aim and incinerated each and every fluttering pink and white heart shaped pieces of joy. With that nuisance taken care of, he sat down to a breakfast of toast and coffee. The coffee was black, like his soul.

Across the Great Hall, Gilderoy determinedly wiped away his tears and crossed "fluttering cloud of scented love notes" off of his plan of action. He moved on to step two.

Severus Snape went to the infirmary. He hated that place, but Madam Pomfrey offered to pay him if he brewed her potions. He planned to spend the day brewing away in his lovely, dark, dungeons, far away from all sunlight. However, upon entering the infirmary he was again assaulted, this time by Madam Pomfrey… in _mauve sparkly robes?_

She tsked, and said, "Now Sevvie, dear, you know that I warned you that if you didn't work on eating more and adding more meat to your bones, I would take action!"

As she spoke, she immobilized him and strapped him down onto a hospital wing bed.

"Now then dear, you be a good little patient and it will all be over soon."

So saying, she straddled his chest and forced his jaws apart, aiming her wand at his teeth. She muttered some charms and Severus felt his teeth move. He couldn't see, but he was pretty sure she had just _whitened and straightened his teeth? _ Next, she tapped his skin and muttered something else. This time, Snape could see his skin darkening with a tan. He had just been _fake baked!_

Madam Pomfrey, or her imposter, as Severus had decided, as the explanation for all the strangeness, pulled a dragon fang on a wire from her pocket, tapped his ear, and poked the earring into his newly pierced ear.

She grinned at his horror struck expression (he was so horrified his face broke the immobilization spell briefly) and, tongue between her teeth, spoke one last spell. Severus felt his hair falling off his head as it was cut shorter and styled an in one fell swoop. He shrieked as he felt something cold and gloopy in his hair. Was that musk scented _hair gel?_

"Me oh my Sevvie! You are looking simply ravishing! Now, one last thing dear, then we shall be finished!"

She pulled a potion vial out and was just about to force the contents down Severus's throat when the real Madam Pomfrey finally burst free of the linens closet she had been trapped in and tackled her imposter in a move normally only seen in American football.

The imposter fought to free "herself" and succeeded, sprinting out of the infirmary and down the hall.

Madam Pomfrey turned to Severus and gasped, "Severus! You look… so…"

Noticing his lack of expression and immobility, she rushed to free him. He snatched the list of potions he had come for, and ran as fast as he could to the dungeons. He didn't notice that he left several swooning girls in his wake, or that some boys wolf whistled when they saw him. He just wanted the insanity to stop.

_Meanwhile, in his evil, villainous lair, Gilderoy Lockhart continued to plot._

Gilderoy was even more determined that Severus should be his. He had mistaken the fire of anger in his eyes as Sevvie was strapped down and manhandled with the fire of passion. And he had been so close to dosing him with that love potion! Then that foolish woman had to interfere. Straightening his mauve robes and smoothing his curls, Gilderoy crossed "makeover" off his list and circled "love potion" in bright red.

Severus Snape had calmed down. He was brewing, and that always made him happy. He was so caught up in stirring, chopping, and sniffing, that he never noticed the door open and shut again.

Gilderoy was good at sneaking. He had a lot of practice because he was always hiding from people who wanted to punch his face. He was terrified that one day, someone would succeed, and then his nose would be crooked, or he might even _lose a tooth!_ So, he got very good at sneaking. But he had never tried to sneak up on Severus Snape before.

Severus Snape became aware something was wrong as soon as he sniffed with his huge nose, and scented lilacs. There were no lilacs in the potion! The only conclusion must be that someone was in the room. Wearing lilac perfume, perhaps? He spun around just as a bag was placed over his head and he was hit with a stunner.

Gilderoy was relieved with his success. He finally had Severus right where he wanted him.

Severus woke up and realized some very terrible things.

He was tied to a bed. Again.

And he was wearing nothing but his skivvies.

This was very, very, very bad.

For whoever had tied him to the bed, that was.

Gilderoy was primping again. He was wearing a red silk nightie, and was preparing to go seduce Severus. He sighed in delight and powdered his nose. Tonight, Severus would be his!

Severus continued to try to free himself. He stopped abruptly as the door pushed open, and a voice called out, "Hello? Marc? Are you in here? We were supposed to meet…"

The voice broke off. Severus had shut his eyes as soon as the door started to open, but they snapped open again as he heard that voice. He knew that voice. Now he was even more terrified.

But when he looked at the new comer, he looked into a pair of equally astonished eyes.

Sirius Black.

Sirius Black was ogling him.

And Severus found that he didn't mind.

"Black!" he hissed, "Please, have mercy on me like never before! Let me out!"

Sirius paused, and a slow grin started across his face. "Fell prey to Lockhart, eh, Snape? Yes, I suppose I could save you from that fate, for… a price."

Severus was desperate. "Anything you want, please, for God's sake! The man wears lilac perfume!"

Sirius pulled out his wand and broke Snape's bonds. Grabbing his outer robe, Snape didn't waste any time fleeing.

"Snape! Wait!" called Sirius.

Snape turned and saw Black grinning at him. "I could offer you shelter, if you'd like?"

Severus hesitated, considering. Black did know all the passageways, hidey-holes, and secrets of the castle. "Fine," he snapped, "but hurry, before that lunatic returns!"

Sirius grabbed him by his hand and pulled him towards the exit. They snuck past the open door of the bathroom, both shuddering at the sight of Lockhart in a red nightie, applying lip gloss to his pursed lips. Still holding hands, Sirius and Severus ran up the stairs to Gryffindor tower. Sirius shouted the password at the Fat Lady, and they dove inside and sprinted to the sixth year's dormitory.

Black pulled open the curtains to his bed and Severus dove inside. Sirius followed him and quickly shut and warded the curtains, throwing up a silencing charm as well. Panting from the run, the two boys looked at each other.

Snape stiffened, remembering his promise of _anything_ he had made in desperation. He moved to the edge of the bed and leaned against the corner post, looking at Black. What would he want? Something humiliating, no doubt. But he would have given anything to avoid being molested by that poncey git, Lockhart.

Sirius raised his eyebrows at Snape's appraising glare. "Well, what now?" Sirius asked innocently. "You could hide here, but you will have to leave eventually. I do know one thing that might stop Lockhart though…"

"And what would that be?" Snape snapped.

"Well…" Sirius looked sheepish. "You could date me," he said, looking at Snape from under his eye lashes. They were very long, Severus noticed.

Still, though, Sirius Black was his worst enemy. His worst, sexiest enemy. "I suppose," said Snape, "That we could each redirect our anger into a more… constructive way of showing our natural passion?"

Sirius grinned, and moved forward. Snape went to meet him, but put a hand on his chest and said, "Wait a moment, there have to be conditions, or this could turn abusive."

Sirius nodded, "You're right. Okay, so no more cruel nicknames or pranks."

Snape agreed, then said, "You have to tell your friends."

Sirius grimaced, but agreed, then said, "You have to keep up your hygiene. I like this(motioning to the hair, teeth, and skin). And the earring is sexy. Oh yeah, and let me get Lockhart back for you."

Snape said, "Change that to get Lockhart back with me, and fine. One last thing."

"What?"

"Kiss me. Now."

_Back at Hufflepuff…_

"Sevvie! Are you ready for your love machine?"

He opened the door to his dorm room.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

His girly scream was heard all over the school.

_The next morning…_

Gilderoy Lockhart showed up to breakfast with puffy eyes. His hair was a mess, and his robes were the ones he had worn the previous day. He sat at his seat at the Hufflepuff table, but jolted as a loud fart echoed through the Great Hall.

Over at the Slytherin table, Severus sent a note to the Gryffindor table.

Sirius opened it, and read, _"A whoopee cushion? Seriously Sirius?"_

Sirius turned and grinned at Severus, mouthing, "Where's yours?"

Severus grinned and pointed. Over at the Hufflepuff table, a little person dressed in Mexican wrestling gear approach Gilderoy Lockhart and tapped him on the shoulder. Gilderoy turned. The little person luchadore delivered dual rabbit punches to Lockhart's face.

Gilderoy shrieked his little girl shriek as he felt for his teeth. One was missing. And his nose was broken.

Severus grinned and Sirius raised his goblet. On the note, he wrote, "_This round to the Slytherin."_

He sent it back.

Sirius Black loved Valentine's Day.


End file.
